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A woman writes to the...
A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy:
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly
in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avails.
What can I do?
Signed,
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________
Reply
Dear Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 . If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery
2.0 and Flowers 3.5.. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary,
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Looks 7.7
Good Luck Madam!
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Most men like women. But,...
Most men like women. But, most men like beer too ! So, for men it becomes a rather confusing choice between women and beer ! Following is a debate, developed by the University of Mumbai , in India .... to help you analyze which is better !
Here is the debate ....... Women, pls kindly take it in the right sense

A Beer is always wet, a woman is not !
1 point for beer !

Beer is horrible, when it is hot !
1 point for women !

A cold beer, satisfies you !
1 point for beer !

If you come back home smelling beer, your wife can get angry at you.
If you come back home smelling women, your wife will get angry for
sure and she might even not talk to you again !
Draw ! Depends on your point of view ....

10 beers in a night and then you cant drive. 10 women in one night
and you dont have to drive anywhere !
1 point for women !

The older, The beer is - the better, it is !
1 point for beer !

Many beers can make you see UFOs. Many women can make you see God !
1 point for women !

If you ask yourself how the next woman will be, you are normal. If you ask yourself how the next beer will be, you are an alcoholic !
1 point for women !

For a beer, you pay taxes !
1 point for women !

If you take a second beer, the first one doesnt get angry !
1 point for beer !

You can always be sure that, you are the first one Opening a beer !
1 point for beer !

If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself !
1 point for beer !

You know exactly how much a beer costs !
1 point for beer !

A beer does not have a mother !
1 point for beer !

You can do it if you want, but beer wont ask you to hug her for half
an hour after !
1 point for beer !

So the Score is .......... Beer beats women - 9 to 6 !

And Finally

If you are a woman reading this and getting angry ........
know that a beer would never get angry ! So ..........
Another point for beer !
Now the final score is .......... Beer beats women - 10 to 6 !
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Gods finest creation! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1. Whatever Men:...
Gods finest creation!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Whatever
Men: What should we have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why dont we have Mexican?
Women: No not Mexican, the last time i got pimples on my face
Men: Alright, why dont we have Si Chuan cuisine
Women: Yesterday we ate Si Chuan, today too?
Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood is not good, I got diarrhoea
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women : Whatever..

2. Anything
Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching a movie? Its been a long time
Women: Watching movie is no good, its a waste of time
Men: How about we go for bowling, or some exercises?
Women: Exercise on such a hot day?
Men: Then find a cafe and have a drink
Women: I am off caffeine
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: Anything

3. You decide
Men: Then do we just go home?
Women: You decide
Men: Lets take the bus, I will accompany you
Women: The Bus is dirty and crowded.
Men: Ok we will take a cab
Women: Not worth it... for such a short distance
Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather
Women: I am hungry, cant walk.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Lets have dinner first
Women: Whatever...
Men: Eat what?
Women: Anything..
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The Geography of a Woman Between...
The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade, especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 -35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She has lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 a woman is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 and 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all-conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Pakistan or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
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To thee, O Indian road-user: Greetings. In...
To thee, O Indian road-user:

Greetings.
In that thou may’st exert the full freedom divinely granted thee, to make such use of all roads, pathways, tracks, streets, highways and thoroughfares, here unto thee I deliver these Commandments, through my divine Servant the Truck Driver, which thou shalt commit to heart and mind for all time, forever and ever, amen

Firstly, if thou art a motorist or motorcyclist:

First Commandment: Thou shalt ignore, forthwith, all redundant and superfluous attempts to impose restrictions on thy freedom, such as: STOP SIGNS, TRAFFIC LIGHTS, NO-HORN ZONES or SPEED LIMITS for freedom is a Divine Gift and any and all attempts to restrict such are a crime against My person.

Second Commandment: Thou shalt feel free to ignore all pleas, warnings, admonishments or direct orders to wear or use safety features such as SEAT BELTS or HELMETS for the lack of such may hasten thy journey to Me, which, as thou knowest, is a consummation devoutly to be wished.

Third Commandment: Any sign that says NO PARKING means, in reality, PARK HERE. If there is no sign, park there anyway. Any place occupied by thee is a place won over to Me. Do not scruple to block the entrance or exit routes of other motorists it is their lookout what they do, not thine.

Fourth Commandment: There is no such thing as a Rule of the Road. Thou shalt use every millimetre of space, and never give a millimetre. If that means overtaking on the left or precipitating a traffic jam, so be it.
Corollary to the Fourth Commandment: Thou shalt never give way to traffic waiting to merge into the flow, even if such traffic has the right of way, even if said traffic has actually begun turning into the traffic stream.

Fifth Commandment: Thou shalt never, under any circumstances, signal a turn before actually turning. Such behaviour encourages laziness and sloth, and discourages those heights of alertness why thou, as My creation, shall maintain against the Evil One.

Sixth Commandment: Thou shalt never use the low beam at night. Thou shalt, indeed, try to blind all incoming traffic with thy high beams, so that the occupants of those vehicles will have to squint sideways through their eyelashes to see what lies ahead. This will train them to detect all threatening lures and traps laid for them by the Evil One.

Seventh Commandment: Thou shalt use the horn as a weapon. All failing, thou shalt sit in thy vehicle and blast away until the obstacle is cleared, even if the obstacle is a wall or some such immovable object. If faith can move mountains, horns can move fountains.

Eighth Commandment: Thou shalt never take the trouble of learning such things as regulations or take a driving test. It is far more blessed to spread a little wealth around by bribing thy way to a driver’s license, than to have such license granted by authority gratis except the prescribed fee. Remember, the driving instructor and the licensing officer have families too. A little charity to them brings thee closer to My heart.

Ninth Commandment: Acquire, as early as possible, as ridiculously large a vehicle as possible. The larger thy vehicle, the more thy clout, literally speaking, on the road. If thou canst, then get thyself an SUV. An SUV is better than a car, and grants its driver more rights, just as a car is better than a motorcycle and grants its driver more rights. And if thou be a truck driver, rejoice for thou are the King of the Road, indeed.

Tenth Commandment: If thou be the owner of a new vehicle, then feel free to adorn it with as many superfluous and possibly dangerous accoutrements as thou canst outsize tyres, opaque black film over the windows, outsize and blinding windscreen toys, bling in every shape, size and degree of ugliness, welcome. And if thou be the owner of an old vehicle, take care never to try to make it truly roadworthy: for the more smoke and noise it produces, the more it blinds the eyes and deafens the ears of the Evil One.

Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt drink and drive. Why the hell not?

Second, if thou be a bicyclist or rickshaw-driver:

For thee, I have only one Commandment: THERE ARE NO RULES. Do what thou will go where thou wishes thou art an agent untrammelled and free.

Third, if thou be a traffic policeman:

Remember, thou, thy one and only Commandment: thy only purpose of existence is to extort money from every commercial truck that passeth. That is all that matters. A thousand violations of the rules may pass under thy eyes but thou shalt have thy donation to thy favourite charity from the commercial truck, even if that costs lives and property.

Fourth, if thou be a fuel seller:

First Commandment: Thou shalt adulterate, adulterate, and adulterate the fuel thou sellest. This is one in the eye of the Arabs, from whose lands the oil comes and who follow a different God than Me, and who have accordingly incurred My displeasure. Adulterating the fuel allows thee to make a little petrol or diesel go a long way, and cuts into the profit of those who follow the heathen Arab God.

Second Commandment: Thou shalt fiddle with the meters, so that when thou sellest ten litres by the meter, in reality thou sellest 8.5, or 9. Because of the enhanced price of the fuel in actual terms per unit sold, people will be discouraged from using their vehicles as far as possible. This will save on wear and tear, and make Me happy indeed.

Fifth, if thou be a car manufacturer:

First Commandment: Bribe thy local government to reduce or eliminate all public transport, so that people shall buy thy products and, furthermore, bribe them so as to destroy, through neglect, all possible streets so that people buy SUVs and other overpriced, overbuilt vehicles despite the fact that in reality they do not need them at all.

Second Commandment: Keep extolling the anti-polluting nature of the engines thou produceth even though thou be in the firm knowledge that the adulterated nature of the fuel renders such nature meaningless, or worse.

Sixth, if thou be a pedestrian:

Son/Daughter of Mine, thou art My favoured Child, and verily I do say unto thee, follow My Commandments and thou shalt be with Me in My Kingdom of Heaven:

First Commandment: Thou shalt never wait for traffic to stop or for the road to be clear in order to cross thou shalt do it when and where is convenient. At the most thou shalt hold up one hand, and expect the traffic to cease its course for thee, as the Red Sea verily did part for Moses.

Second Commandment: Thou shalt ignore all such things as over bridges, Zebra crossings, walk/don’t walk lights, or pedestrian subways meant to aid thee cross for such short cuts and easy ways are the work of the Evil One, and meant to distract thee from the true Path, which is never easy, and which is not for Cowards and Wimps.

Third Commandment: Ignore all pavements, for they are the haunts of the Evil One and his minions. Walk on the road, side by side, gossiping. If traffic is disturbed, let it be thou art thou, and answerable to no one. Except Me.

And Seventh and Last, but not the Least, one Great Commandment for Everyone: Thou hast heard it said often enough, that the road is not thy father’s property by the same token, it is not the property of the sires of those who say to thee that it is not thy father’s property. Use it, accordingly, as if it is the property of No One. Thy progenitor’s property enjoins care and maintenance and respect that of No One is free to use, and abuse, as thou wishes.

In My name, keep thou these Commandments, and thou shalt be above the wimps on the roads of other and lesser nations, amen.
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The inventor of the Harley-Davidson...
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. Since youve been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, I want to hang out with God.
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle?
Arthur said, Yeah, thats me...
God commented: Well, whats the big deal in inventing something thats pretty unstable, makes noise
and pollution and cant run without a road?
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, Excuse me, but arent you the inventor of woman?
God said, Ah, yes.
Well, said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. Theres too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there, replied God, hold on.
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed, God said to Arthur, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.
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The Best Out-Of-Office E-Mail Auto-Replies:...
The Best Out-Of-Office E-Mail Auto-Replies:
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position .
2: Im not really out of the office. Im just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldnt have received anything at all.
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
9: Hi. Im thinking about what youve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
10: Hi! Im busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Dont bother to leave me any messages.
11: Ive run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:
12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as Loretta instead of Steve
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A businessman met a beautiful...
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment RENT FOR APARTMENT.
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque
for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied
#2 - there was plenty of heat and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasnt any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you dont have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
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Letter 2 Dad A father passing...
Letter 2 Dad

A father passing by his teenage daughters bedroom
Was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and
Everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It
was addressed Dad.

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and
read the letter with trembling hands:-


Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that Im writing
you, but Im leaving home. I had to elope with my new
boyfriend Saim because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mom and you.

Ive been finding real passion with Saim and he is so
nice to me. I know when you meet him youll like him
too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle
clothes.

But its not only the passion Dad, Im pregnant and
Saim said that he wants me to have the kid and that we
can be very happy together. Even though Saim is much
older than me anyway, 42 isnt so old these days is
it?, and has no money, really these things shouldnt
tand in the way of our relationship, dont you agree?
Saim has a great CD collection he already owns a
trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for
the whole winter. Its true he has other girlfriends
as well but I know hell be faithful to me in his own
way. He wants to have many more children with me and
thats now one of my dreams too.


Saim taught me that marijuana doesnt really hurt
anyone and hell be growing it for us and well trade
it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we
want. In the meantime, well pray that science will
find a cure for AIDS so Saim can get better he sure
deserves it!!

Dont worry Dad, Im 15 years old now and I know how
to take care of myself. Someday Im sure well be back
to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.


At the bottom of the page were the letters PTO.
Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet,
and read:


PS: Dad, none of the above is true. Im over at the
neighbours house. I just wanted to remind you that
there are worse things in life than my report card
thats in my desk centre drawer.


Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come
home.

I love you!
Keep Smiling..... Have a nice day.....
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While a man was polishing...
While a man was polishing his new car, his 4 yr old son picked stone & scratched lines on the side of car. In anger, the man took the childs hand & hit it many times, not realizing he was using a wrench. At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple fractures. When the child saw his father... with painful eyes he asked Dad when will my fingers grow back? Man was so hurt and speechless. He went back to car and kicked it many times. Devastated by his own actions.. sitting in front of the car he looked at the scratches, child had written LOVE YOU DAD. Next day that man committed suicide... Anger and Love have no limits... Always remember that- Things are to be used and people are to be loved, but the problem in todays world is that, People are used and things are loved..!
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